The New Mom (&Single Mom) Syndrome

Updating the blog once again after a long long break...
This single working mother stage doesn't leave much time for indulgences like reading, writing, painting, or doing anything else that a mommy wants to do for herself. Am I complaining. Not really.Read on and find out...

Had a conversation with a college friend today who is a relatively new dad to a 6 months old girl. He asked me a couple of very fundamental questions today. Questions I hadn't asked myself and questions that got me thinking. Questions that I would like to share here along with my responses, and hope I get some responses from you all as well.

During the conversation, he shared with me his concern for his wife, that over a period of time she may get frustrated and upset about having left her job and sitting at home alone the entire day doing nothing else but taking care of the baby. He told me that he has seen many of his freinds, friend's wives getting upset and frustrated over a period of time when they felt that their life seemed to mean nothing else but the baby. He asked me how I managed the 1.5 years that I stayed at home prior to re-joining work. Most of which, after Sid was born, being spent with my parents since Sid's dad (P) was not around. You find these questions weird and selfish. DONT!

I left my job at Chennai and moved here when P got a job here. It was here that we discovered I was pregnant and so I decided that joining work knowing I will discontinue within 6-7 months didnt make sense (I had already decided a 3 month maternity leave was not what I wanted to spend with the kid). These 9 months passed without much emotional hassles because pregnancy doesn't give one time to dwell over much else and during this period I think I read more than any other time during my adult life. (As a Kid the amount I read has been unbelievable and cannot be competed against by adult me!)

Then came Sid. His arrival and first 3 months also passed without too  much emotional baggage other than the post natal bouts of (extremely common and scientifically accepted) sadness and tears that engulfed me during the first 2-3 weeks. 

THEN, P left for his course and I had to move to a totally new and underdeveloped (read  village) place with my parents. The first couple of months passed fine but eventually the emptiness swept in. And this emptiness cannot be explained to anyone who hasnt experienced it. Becasue the average person will ask "what emptiness when you are running around like crazy after a baby 24X7???". (And mine was a 24X7 duty cos the kid wouldnt sleep). But this is the emptiness of not having any meaning any purpose to the life. Again avg person's qsn, "but you have the most meaningful thing in your life". YES. Very emphatic yes. But, the daily routine of taking care of a baby, same activities, similar mornings, similar evenings, one day rushing into the other, nothing new to look forward to, no entertainment for self, no personal goals, no feeling of achievement, no crazy fun, no hectic deadlines. NOTHING. Life was just the kid. I was nothing. I was just an extension of the kid who did things for him till he could do them himself. More than that I had no identity. Plus, no one ever prepares you for the depression, the pains, the complete lack of energy and enthusiasm, days when you hardly get time to take bath,  for unkempt self,for not wanting to look into a mirror, for rushed or half-left meals and sleepless nights. 

Once again, let me emphasize for anyone who is thinking "Oh! what a selfish mother" -  NO, I am not taking anything away from the joy of motherhood. Sid is the bestest ever thing to have happened in my life. I dont derive more pleasure and sense of fulfilment from anythin gelse I do. But to have that "something" else is really really important.

Of course, not wanting to scare my friend into escaping to outer space, I only told him that things may get slightly monotonous and tiring for her. So to try and help her as much as he could when he was around. And more importantly, to try and take her out for dinners, short trips, a drive, whatever is feasible with the baby. Breaks the routine, takes her mind out, gives her something to look forward to and a reason to look into a mirror, comb her hair, put on her makeup and find the old pretty girl in there somewhere. 

Things I didn't have.

Any guy reading this post, please note, your girl desperately needs small breaks though she will never ask and will never complain because, after all it is related to looking after her baby. And, believe me, to look into the mirror and find a fat, ugly, unkempt, tired, lifeless, unrecognizable image look back at you can be the biggest reason for depression.

The second thing that he asked me is slightly connected to the first. And it is, Managing it all alone now, the work, a home and most importantly a baby, ALL ALONE, wasn't it driving me crazy? 

The answer to that is Yes, but good crazy. The first few months I was really rejoicing in a sense of high in the realization that I COULD DO IT. That i didn't really need anyone. I was managing it all and managing it well. The stress is there, the pressures and sometimes the anger (especially at P) on extremely tough days, but overall I have no complaints. if given a choice I would definitely do this all over again. THis stage has been extremely therapeutic for my ego, for my self.

Most importantly, the feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and self doubt that existed in the previous stage could not have met with a better counselling and thrashing down than the absolute diametrically opposite that I got thrown into suddenly. With all its hardships and challenges, I am loving this stage. I am loving my strength, I am loving my ability, I am loving my capability, and most importantly, I am loving seeing my son grow up. Every smile, every laugh, every tantrum, every glitter in the eye, every new word, every tough night (well, not that, actually) and mostly every single day of delighted laugh on seeing his mom come back from work has made this worth it and more, much much more! 

Life has its ways. However puzzling, however unexpected, Life has its own surprising ways...