Expressions of Love

I am just Absolutely Completely in Love with this stage. The little one has discovered hugging and kissing and cuddling. So, in the midst of all the playing and running around, he gets this sudden urge and comes running , hugs me tight and plants a beeeeg kiss on my cheeks. Also, considering that this is much less painful and much more enjoyable compared to being bitten extremely hard when the sudden outpouring of love happened, I  just can't get enough of it. Cuddly time is here. Yay!

Cuddly play time with Mama.

I tell Mama great stories too

I have decided to enjoy every single second of these numbered days which will be only too quickly followed by "Oh Mom! Please don't hug/kiss me in public! This is sooooooooo embarrassing."

Only if some part of this stage stayed with men forever. :) Right now, leaving for office has become even more difficult considering all the cuddling baby time we are both missing. Sigh!

The New Mom (&Single Mom) Syndrome

Updating the blog once again after a long long break...
This single working mother stage doesn't leave much time for indulgences like reading, writing, painting, or doing anything else that a mommy wants to do for herself. Am I complaining. Not really.Read on and find out...

Had a conversation with a college friend today who is a relatively new dad to a 6 months old girl. He asked me a couple of very fundamental questions today. Questions I hadn't asked myself and questions that got me thinking. Questions that I would like to share here along with my responses, and hope I get some responses from you all as well.

During the conversation, he shared with me his concern for his wife, that over a period of time she may get frustrated and upset about having left her job and sitting at home alone the entire day doing nothing else but taking care of the baby. He told me that he has seen many of his freinds, friend's wives getting upset and frustrated over a period of time when they felt that their life seemed to mean nothing else but the baby. He asked me how I managed the 1.5 years that I stayed at home prior to re-joining work. Most of which, after Sid was born, being spent with my parents since Sid's dad (P) was not around. You find these questions weird and selfish. DONT!

I left my job at Chennai and moved here when P got a job here. It was here that we discovered I was pregnant and so I decided that joining work knowing I will discontinue within 6-7 months didnt make sense (I had already decided a 3 month maternity leave was not what I wanted to spend with the kid). These 9 months passed without much emotional hassles because pregnancy doesn't give one time to dwell over much else and during this period I think I read more than any other time during my adult life. (As a Kid the amount I read has been unbelievable and cannot be competed against by adult me!)

Then came Sid. His arrival and first 3 months also passed without too  much emotional baggage other than the post natal bouts of (extremely common and scientifically accepted) sadness and tears that engulfed me during the first 2-3 weeks. 

THEN, P left for his course and I had to move to a totally new and underdeveloped (read  village) place with my parents. The first couple of months passed fine but eventually the emptiness swept in. And this emptiness cannot be explained to anyone who hasnt experienced it. Becasue the average person will ask "what emptiness when you are running around like crazy after a baby 24X7???". (And mine was a 24X7 duty cos the kid wouldnt sleep). But this is the emptiness of not having any meaning any purpose to the life. Again avg person's qsn, "but you have the most meaningful thing in your life". YES. Very emphatic yes. But, the daily routine of taking care of a baby, same activities, similar mornings, similar evenings, one day rushing into the other, nothing new to look forward to, no entertainment for self, no personal goals, no feeling of achievement, no crazy fun, no hectic deadlines. NOTHING. Life was just the kid. I was nothing. I was just an extension of the kid who did things for him till he could do them himself. More than that I had no identity. Plus, no one ever prepares you for the depression, the pains, the complete lack of energy and enthusiasm, days when you hardly get time to take bath,  for unkempt self,for not wanting to look into a mirror, for rushed or half-left meals and sleepless nights. 

Once again, let me emphasize for anyone who is thinking "Oh! what a selfish mother" -  NO, I am not taking anything away from the joy of motherhood. Sid is the bestest ever thing to have happened in my life. I dont derive more pleasure and sense of fulfilment from anythin gelse I do. But to have that "something" else is really really important.

Of course, not wanting to scare my friend into escaping to outer space, I only told him that things may get slightly monotonous and tiring for her. So to try and help her as much as he could when he was around. And more importantly, to try and take her out for dinners, short trips, a drive, whatever is feasible with the baby. Breaks the routine, takes her mind out, gives her something to look forward to and a reason to look into a mirror, comb her hair, put on her makeup and find the old pretty girl in there somewhere. 

Things I didn't have.

Any guy reading this post, please note, your girl desperately needs small breaks though she will never ask and will never complain because, after all it is related to looking after her baby. And, believe me, to look into the mirror and find a fat, ugly, unkempt, tired, lifeless, unrecognizable image look back at you can be the biggest reason for depression.

The second thing that he asked me is slightly connected to the first. And it is, Managing it all alone now, the work, a home and most importantly a baby, ALL ALONE, wasn't it driving me crazy? 

The answer to that is Yes, but good crazy. The first few months I was really rejoicing in a sense of high in the realization that I COULD DO IT. That i didn't really need anyone. I was managing it all and managing it well. The stress is there, the pressures and sometimes the anger (especially at P) on extremely tough days, but overall I have no complaints. if given a choice I would definitely do this all over again. THis stage has been extremely therapeutic for my ego, for my self.

Most importantly, the feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and self doubt that existed in the previous stage could not have met with a better counselling and thrashing down than the absolute diametrically opposite that I got thrown into suddenly. With all its hardships and challenges, I am loving this stage. I am loving my strength, I am loving my ability, I am loving my capability, and most importantly, I am loving seeing my son grow up. Every smile, every laugh, every tantrum, every glitter in the eye, every new word, every tough night (well, not that, actually) and mostly every single day of delighted laugh on seeing his mom come back from work has made this worth it and more, much much more! 

Life has its ways. However puzzling, however unexpected, Life has its own surprising ways...

On His First Budday...After cake cutting etc.

 

Growing up is real fun. But watching ones kid grow up can sometimes be a little scary and stressful. Here are a few instances why...

We use a table fan for Sid as he doesn't take well to AC. The first thing I do on waking up is to switch off the table fan, unplug the same and push it to the far corner. Once moved thus, Sid would not turn and look at it - till about 3 weeks back.

Last week he discovered that he can still reach the table fan and promptly started playing with the buttons on it. Even though unplugged, the scene somehow sent shivers down my spine. (Kids and electric equipment! And a table fan at that!!!). However, since unplugged, I didn't make a huge fuss except to casually divert Sid's attention onto something else.
The actual Shock set in when, on not being able to switch on the fan, he promptly picked up the plug and tried pushing it into the socket!!! And whats more he even hit a few of the switches to see if that worked. The scene had me immobile with shock? fear? pride? and such before I managed to scamper out of bed and pull him away. Now have to find a serious solution before he actually manages to start the fan! With this rate of progress, won't be too long. I am still not sure if I was more impressed or more scared stiff.
The other things he has picked up the last few weeks include understanding that pens are usually pulled open and then scratched on papers. And in case of success, this is accompanied with squeals of delight. Dangerous again!
Among the good things, Sid knows we wear shoes before going out. So whenever in the mood for a walk, he brings over the respective persons shoe. The sweetest thing here is he will first bring me one shoe, then go back and bring the other one as well.
He also has learnt that bottles and utensils are to be closed after use. (I am really pleased with this and hope the streak continues).

Also pleased with the cleanliness streak that makes him come running to me with hands raised at the smallest hint of dirt, and cries "dirty dirty" till its washed. (just don't get too obsessed darling). Oh! That washing bit was till last week when this post had been started. now he just comes, holds my skirt/t-shirt/what-ever-mama-wears on one hand and wipes the other hand with it, very efficiently too. Complete with hand-eye-coordination and everything!!!
What really impressed me seeing these small developments is the things babies pick up by just observing us, completely unnoticed. This realisation has made me very conscious of all my actions in front of him.
Small traits and habits that I would be comfortable pursuing in front of Sid, thinking, "oh! he is not going to judge me for some more time", has now become even more dangerous!
To Sid: Baby, Chewing nails is bad habit and Mama does it only when highly distressed(And that is NOT an excuse also). So, please don't pick that up.
And talking to oneself will also not be looked at very nicely, ever!
Not writing about the other stuff that I am personally worried about. Just "Note to Self".
Signing Off With: CALVIN: "Where Do you Keep all the Chainsaws, Mom..."

Been a long time since I updated anything new about Sid's growth. And sadly when I did come back it was an impulsive and quick write up about a movie that moved the mother in me to the very core.

To try and turn things into a little more pleasanter note, I am trying to write another little update on my Hero and his mom. The reason that mama has not been able to write more is that here we are, Sid and me living with Chitrammai (CA) in Trivandrum.

 Mama has started working and has started leaving Sid at home with a maid and CA to take care of him.

There was nothing that has worried and scared mama more than the weeks preceding the shift and the thought of leaving Sid with CA and a stranger. Luckily, the whole joining process was so quick that mama didn't get enough time to worry herself sick. The way things normally tend to happen, all this has settled itself. Sid is fine with CA and the maid.

Other than the usual - maid issues, small hiccups of not living in your home but with a relative, practically being a single mom (even temporarily) AND not having either set of grandparents with us to help, ohh! and being a working single mom at that - everything else has been going on in a pattern the last 2 months.

The biggest change in Sid has been all emotional and communications. Wow! Does my son have a temper or what. I am hoping against hope that this is just a phase and not a reflection of things to come, the temper! We scream and cry and hit and bite and hit the floor/bed with both our hands and throw every possible tantrum till we get what we need. And whats worst, we cannot yet tell people what we need!

And whats more, if we are not really sad or angry, we know how to act as well!

As for telling, we are in a "count the syllable phase right now. So whatever you point and name to Sid in a particular intonation, Sid repeats the number of syllables and the intonations all in the same sound. So, "Ball' is "Ba", "Ba-lloon" is "Ba Ba". Clock is "Ka", Car is "Ka" and Ca-Len-Der is "Ka Ka Ka". And so on. All animals, even reptiles, aer "Bow Bow".

But, the good thing is when asked to point out something like the clock or ball or car or head etc. we can promptly point and direct the ignorant.

Further, we love the mobile phone. we take it to our ears and ask for "ammumma" in it always cos ammumma is the only person who talks to us on phone.

We love to feed and give water. So when mama gives me water to drink in our sipper we drink our fill and then push the bottle to mama's lips. and if she doesn't drink we "slurp slurp slurp" trying to teach poor ignorant mama how to drink from the sipper. we also push food into mama's mouth when she is trying to feed us.

And though we have a very bad temper, we have also become more expressive of our love. We love to hug and kiss a lot these days, though all that is limited to a very happy mama. And everything said the Joy we feel that reflects on our face when we see mom come back from office is UNMATCHED.

Also, we love to play on mama's office laptop.

I don't know why I wrote all that in first person "plural" from Sid!!!

Unnamed........

Haven't been this moved by a movie in a long long....long time. watched the Malayalam movie traffic, today. I know this post doesnt seem to fit in a stagnant baby blog. But maybe it was the pain of two mothers in the movie that I could relate the most with in the movie. Before I were a mother it may have been the sacrifice of the young man, even if in ignorance, or the strength of the decision of his friends and girlfriend that I may have associated with most. Or, it may have been another unnamed hero, the friend/navigator who would have been my main charater in the movie, after the protagonist driver/cop of course. But, the first time I watched a movie with tears in my eyes, a HUGE lump in my throat and a lot of pain in my heart. And, more importantly the first time in my life where I had to skip whole portions of a movie becasue I couldnt stand to watch the pain of watching parents, especially the mother who...............can't even complete the statement). There are times when I watch this happen in a movie or hear about it in everyday life and think that i can empathise with the mother and have my heart go out to her. But, who was  fooling. Not before today, and never before being a mother myself could I ever even start imagining the depths of that pain. Even as I write this post at the end of the movie I have unshed tears in my heart. Never Ever Before I have known there exists a pain so deep that it makes it even difficult to cry. Even that little relied in shedding tears is denied in that pain.

Heard somewhere - there are widows, widowers. There are orphans and what not. But one loss in this world is so unimaginably BIG that there is no word to define the survivor.

Verticality - Getting there

A lot of things, thoughts, have been running around in my head and yet I am unable to reign any one thought in enough to dwell over it and put it down into coherent words. In truth I am yet to break free  of the hibernation mode. Hence the long days of silence. Anyhow, I decided to try and resume writing by taking the easy way out - journalling Sid's latest developments.

Onto Two Little Feet: Its really amazing how we take for granted acts like standing, walking and running, considering how difficult it is to actually just get off our bums and onto two very unstable little feet. To get a hold someplace (mostly very wrong places like ends of a bed sheet) then attempt to pull oneself up, keep falling back onto your bum till finally you manage to get up; And all for what, just as things start looking interesting on the new surface and you excitedly extend your hands to grab something, you are back on your bum, and this time the fall is very hard too (from all that height). Wow! watching this cycle gives one a new appreciation of the things we do with ease, without thinking twice. More importantly it teaches us what determination is. Just to keep on and on at something that is so painful and difficult till one gets it so right one doesn't have to think twice about it. You gotta learn it from these little ones. Anyhow, Sid is currently (as of late November) at this painful stage.

 

What has now become a "can do with no effort" activity is sitting up and playing. all the see-sawing and falling off has finally, thankfully ended. (though of course, it was less painful to fall while sitting compared to while standing)

 



serious speech



 Talkie Talk: Communication has progressed to a lot of single syllable sounds like ta-ta, tha tha,  and so on. He looks at the respective thing when asked where the light is, fan is, where Danny is, or the Christmas star. He knows where to look for flowers ("poo" in Malayalam) in the garden and has learned to say poo as well. He has started saying "atha" and only calls for "amma" (mom) when he is crying or wants something. All the baby sounds he makes has finally made communication a 2-way process of speaking if not hearing and understanding.

Food, The New Struggle: I do realise that I have written an entire article about the difficulties of feeding but however much I write, it seems I haven't even begun to cover the difficulties. How I wish babies, who otherwise are really intelligent you know, had been born with the basic understanding that food can assuage hunger. its a really vicious circle. Hunger makes him cranky - cranky makes him difficult to sit at a place or open his mouth - thus becoming more hungry!

The Games We Play:

Break the Glass - Course, the ultimate favorite thing right now, as soon as he is left on the ground, is to hold on to the centre table, climb up and bang on the glass top as hard as possible. really scary game.



pushing the chair round



Mover Boy: Another latest fad is to sit at the leg of any furniture and try to drag it back and forth. The hospital provided plastic chair are real fun cos they actually move and make a lot of noise. However, Sid tries this on everything, from suitcases under the bed to the bed itself.

Pick and Drop: Nah! this isn't about techie travel tails. Sid's latest game is to throw everything onto the ground and then have them picked up by others, repeatedly. Also, as soon as he sees anything on the surface of the table it all goes down in a single swish. That's rather more convenient to bang the table top.

Tabla Boy: So right after he sees something new and before it goes into his mouth his latest interest is to hit it again and again with his hands to see if it makes any interesting noise, oh uh I mean sound. 

That and a million other wonderful instances as well as not so wonderful eating (read not eating) and sleeping (read sleepless) and falling (read head bumps) instances have made the last month fun for mama and Sid.



biting away at mama's hand