1, 2, How Are You?

As this is intended to be a baby diary too, I have some catching up to do worth 4 months of my baby's life. In this article I'd like to record our first couple of months of togetherness...

My clearest memory of the first 2 months post delivery is that of complete haziness! Weird aint it.

I had this tiny little being in my hand whom I didn't understand. I kept wondering what he was feeling...did he fear the unknown, all these things around him, the lights and colours and movements and sounds, into which he was thrown into suddenly after 9 months of absolute peace and coziness. Did he feel afraid of all of us, the people around him always moving, picking him up, talking loudly, laughing etc. Or, was he too young even to feel fear?

His innocence and helplessness bewildered me and gave me this overwhelming feeling to protect him always. I always wondered why it is that only human babies, a species thats deemed to be the most developed and intelligent, are born so helpless where everything has to be done for them and they cant even ask what it is they need.

There were tons of people giving tons n tons of advice all contradicting one another. There was the post delivery pain and weakness. I was constantly tired and sleep deprived. There were also questions regarding Pradeep's plans and program. And above all there were questions in my mind all the time about my baby, what he needed, what was he thinking, when will he know me, what does he see when he looks at me; is their any familiarity at all he feels; does seeing me reassure him with some familiarity, remembrance from when he was within etc. All in all there were many more questions than there could be answers for.

His hands were always fisted, and though he grabbed our fingers, it was only reflex rather than conscious effort. He would smile and cry in his sleep and I always wondered what he was dreaming of already. Someone said the babies see the angels and demons and these in turn make them smile or cry...maybe its true since they are so much closer to the unknown powers than we grown ups are.

Eventually he started to look at us and register our presence. It felt so much better than handling a little baby who did not even realise he was being handled. He even started showing in his own way that he is hungry by putting his fist in his mouth and trying to suck.

He started to show us, by the second month that he enjoyed being given a bath, was delighted when we poured water on him.

He also started making some "ooh" "aah" sounds, not very distinct. Loved being taken out to the garden for a walk and totally hated evenings.Oh Yeah! If there was a time called 0630pm, he would start crying. And he would cry and cry and cry till he tired himself out. He just hated that time of the day when the light faded outside and the artificial lights came on. At first we just couldnt figure out what was hurting him, but eventually we realised it was the time and the dark and he just had to be held and reassured.

His eyes were a green grey color during these months and was a major wonder to all of us.

I also remember feeling extreme sadness and bouts of despair and crying that I couldn't understand. This however was explained by everyone as postpartum depression, known to be very common and it all disappeared in a week.

Before closing this post I want to list out my three earliest and most precious memories of Sid's presence in the world:

Sidharth

1. 1st was, as any new mom would tell you, the sound of that shrill cry when he entered this world as I was lying on the theater table. Half dazed as I was the sound made me swell with emotion, bringing a smile to my lips and tears in my eyes.

2. 2nd is of when the baby was about to be taken out of the Theater. This nursing attendant brought him next to my face, took off my mask and asked me to give him a kiss (all this even before I was stitched back up). My most precious gift was the first kiss i could give you.

3. The first time the sisters in the ICU brought him to me side to be fed and the fervor with which he knew exactly what was to be done and got on with his work.

Thank You oh mighty Power for this miracle.