Things We must Tell our Kids

And here, I am including the link of an article written by another mother. It is so important to remember these things when you are at your angriest, or stressed or tired and the little darling tops it up with something really naughty. 

But I hope and pray that I manage to remember most of these things majority of times and for me the most important of them is No.6, To say sorry to your kids when you believe you were wrong. :) 

So here is a fantastic list from a fantastic photo blog that is a mommy blog as well. But then, I guess it is impossible to have a mommy blog that isn't a photo blog anyways. Have Fun!

http://thematernallens.blogspot.in/2010/01/they-are-listening.html

Boy of Routines

I am not sure if it is a trait all little ones have or if it's just a 'Sid trait'. But even as a little baby, everything, every single little thing, especially that he enjoyed a lot, always became a routine, almost religious in its repetition and perfection. This means, an event, a game, a dialogue, anything that took place spontaneously one time and was enjoyed then, had to be played out like a scene, like purposefully creating, living, a déjà vu. 

This one really is a little tough to explain in words here. You have to see how deliberate and thought out the 'silliness' is, to realize that things have ceased being silly really and are now a planned, enacted play, no matter how silly the actual routine looks like.

Let’s see. So one day, Sid and I are lying in the bed being silly and Sid is excessively giggly. He makes some weird sounding words which I repeat and ask "What?! What is that?" in a funny, confused tone and he bursts into a fit of giggles. He kept doing this for some time bursting into uncontrollable laughter every time I repeated the words and the question.  This was months and months back. Then a few weeks back, when we were getting ready for bed, Sid suddenly remembered and repeated the same set of gibberish. When I didn't  seem to get it at first, he actually repeated what should  be my exact response verbatim, with the right words AND funny sounding tone. However, this time he quickly realized it was not very funny anymore (Big boy and all that) and moved on.

I had noticed this in Sid from very very early days. Every single thing he said, did, every action, every song and dance, every conversation session, every random act of play, everything in his life becomes a kind of set routine such that the next time he sings that song, reads that book, says some silly sentence or just decides to play some random game, he expects us to follow up with the exact same word/actions we did last time.

Another example is when Sid  is getting into the car to go to school. He pauses and looks at the black rubber (washer?) parts that jut out at the open end of the door, examines them, asks me what they are and if he may pull them out. The first day I explained to him about the parts being there so as to close the door securely and that they definitely may not be pulled out. And from then, every single day he has paused before entering the car, looked carefully at those things and asked me the same question with a very knowing, naughty smile.

Another one is when we are about to leave the car to enter the school and I take his bag and water bottle. One day he asked me to take my bag as well so I could join him at school. I laughed and explained why that wasn't possible. Since then, every single day the same naughty, knowing, "Oh how much I love pulling your leg" look returns and he asks me to take my bag as well, while leaving.

There are a hundred other such examples that I can narrate here. Especially because of months and months of repetition, there is hardly any chance of my forgetting them. Similar are play routines. If one day he does some silly act and I say something and then he says something and it becomes a fun narrative, then every time after that he wants the same narrative to play out. 

This makes me wonder. 

I wonder if he even enjoys these games because they are games no more. 

I wonder if he is having any fun doing them because they are not fun, spontaneous, silly and crazy things that they were the first time. 

Why does he feel this need to play things out exactly as they were once? It is not “let's play and have fun" anymore because now it is "we have to make it exactly like the last time cos then we had lots of fun".

He does have loads of spontaneous fun with us when we initiate games and conversations.  However, if he starts to do something, it is always deliberate and played out. 

Wonder if it's a reflection of things to come. Hmmmmmm......

And they say women are hard to read. Whoever said that hasn't tried understanding the mechanics behind a child's mind, I'm sure. 

IF, A poem by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

But, Of course!

Sid has this habit of having breakfast on his bed, watching one of his favorite animated movie. Have been trying to get him out of the habit but it is the one thing he is adamantly holding on to. It is as if that is what sets the mood for the day, kick starts it for him.

Good morning! Up from the pillow and hello Tangled.
Or, were we serious about Buzz rescuing Woody? 

Now the new problem we are facing is...ANTS. The last couple of days, these tiny, tiny ants have started appearing all over the bed and giving all of us some tough times, especially the baby skin fella. So last night I explained to Sid why he will be having breakfast at the dining table, just like all other meals. Surprisingly, he was pretty agreeable to the idea, probably cos as they say, once bitten...etc., quite literally.

This morning, I had his breakfast on his plate and asked him to come over to the dining table. He had forgotten the conversation from last night, of course (I guess, the "shy" lasts only so long), and insisted we go upstairs to the bedroom. So, I very sweetly reminded him about the teeny ants that bite and make him itch (in an effort to avoid extra efforts) and in under two seconds comes the reply "then go bring you laptop downstairs" in the 'But, Of course!' tone. (Or maybe 'Are you stupid?' tone?) Sigh! 

"It's Who You Are"

A song by A J Michelka.

This day started with me being lucky enough to read a beautiful message written by my closest friend and then mother-to-be, to her precious little daughter who was yet to be born. The little darling arrived on Dec 2011 and has now bloomed into a beautiful, beautiful angel whom I was so lucky to meet earlier this month. :)

By the end of the message, I was so touched and (obviously) had moist eyes and I was so, so sure I had to share this message with you, cos no matter how many times I say this, it will not feel enough in these times of fierce competition, comparisons and peer pressure. 

So I immediately went searching for the song. And the song itself is so very beautiful,

Dear boy, I have said this before in that little message I had written to you the other day, and here I am saying it again through this song. All that matters is "who YOU are". At the end of it, that is all it is. Do things for yourself, do things that make you happy without stepping over others, do things that don't hurt others because honey, that's who YOU are. :)

And I will always, Always love you for being this person I was blessed to have as my son, no matter what comes and goes in the way.

Thank you so much Teena, for sharing the post with me this day. :)

Cry Baby

And how!

When Sid was little baby, when his only option of communication was crying, he hardly ever came about as the crying kind. In fact, he cried very, very less. And so, every time he did cry I used to get extremely worried because I knew he wouldn't scream out like that with no good reason. A lot of people have criticized me saying "babies do cry", "Just leave him alone for some time" and other such stuff. I do agree with them, except, as a mother, one instinctively knows how much a child will react to various scenarios and discomforts and so, she will react when she believes the level of discomfort needs addressing. 

Anyway, I am digressing. Yes, so as a baby Sid did not cry at all. And now, here I am wishing he had just finished his crying quota right then. As a little baby, everything would have been brushed off under "how else will he let me know he is hungry/sleepy/thirsty/wet etc." And now? Now there is JUST NO EXCUSE.

Sid's temper tantrums redefine the term "Terrible Twos". And to think, this is actually a positive development stage, because most normally developing babies do go through this at around this age. In fact, as some experts put it "...you should always remember that your child isn't trying to be defiant or rebellious on purpose. He is just trying to express his growing independence and doesn't have the language skills to easily express his needs. This can also be the reason why your toddler frequently gets frustrated and resorts to hitting, biting, and temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way."

So, what do I say to myself when Sid is bawling at the top of his voice at 9 in the night asking to be taken to the park? I say "Yay! My son has developed into his next stage. Let's celebrate!" NOT.

In the best of times, I say (or think), "You KNOW the language. In fact, you speak it better than me. So, speak it to tell me instead of bawling and more importantly LISTEN to what I am saying because I know very well that you understand it". And, this is the best of times. (Sigh! I know. Don't shake your head, please.) 

But anyways, this is the stage where we are.Thing is, when in a decent mood, if Sid is told why he can't have/do a thing or go to a certain place, he is a very manageable. Calm, logical explanation is accepted without any tantrums at all and I LOVE him for that and feel so proud of him (as well as myself. :D)

But, if this happens when he is a little tired or close to sleep time, then hell hath no fury like....etc. etc. And, if he really doesn't manage to provoke me into refusing him anything normal, then he just picks up the weirdest of things he can ask for at that time of the night, knowing I'll have to refuse. Something like "I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO RIGHT NOW" at sleep time. And, the moment I open my mouth to explain calmly how all the animals might have gone to sleep, and locked the gate behind them, like we do at home (logic that he usually understands and even loves to imagine, at other times) he scrunches up his face, and starts his ear splitting scream. And in two seconds of the start of this pretend cry, the tears start to rain. No. Pour. The crying happens in so much shock and angst, you would think I denied him something that he NEVER imagined could be denied and that was the most essential and obvious things he should have gotten at that moment. And then, because if not stemmed early, this crying goes on to a crescendo where he becomes unable to stop till the coughing and hiccuping start, I do everything from coaxing and explaining, to threatening (everything wrong, according to parenting experts) to get him to stop! Oh! this is a daily routine I am never going to get used to. Next stage please, already!!!

Anyways, the one good thing we do here is, after he has calmed down, Sid and I have a heart to heart where I ask him why he cried. His usual answer "I don't know". Then I ask him what he got from all that crying. He says "you scolded me and got upset. Nothing else". 

So I tell him (every single time, every single day) that crying gets us nothing. Cry if you are sad or hurt or upset but not because you want to throw a tantrum or think it will get you anything. I know he doesn't understand most of this right now. But, I also know this is one of the things I really want him to know, to eventually understand. The stages will come and go, but I think the life lesson needs to be learnt. The spoilt brat phase needs to be avoided.

I also know that all that scene we had and the "stop crying"s he heard would have created an unpleasantness that will only go away when we talk calmly about this topic, then about other things and till I tell him I love him, to which he usually quickly smiles, gives me a hug and sometimes promptly goes to sleep in my arms.

Know this baby, arguments and "fights" are just momentary. But,the love and relationship stays. No argument is long term till we want it to be. An "I love You" and a smile, and everything is forgotten. :) 

All that said, I wish some expert told me how long the terrible twos usually lasted!!! - A Harassed Mom. ;)

The Conversationalist

In conversation since Jul 2010

Because I wrote here yesterday, I took a closer look at the blog today and the most heartbreaking thing I saw was that the year 2012 had one post in it, just the one. And, we are already in September. But don't blame me. In this rush to keep up with all the development and growth and events and changes, I hardly get any time to log them stages. And most importantly, cos of all the important conversations we have been having. 

Sid seems to have been an early talker. He started forming full sentences since almost an year old. And yet, it was like a barrage breaking and him trying to make up for all the initial months, when he wanted to tell us so many things but did not know the words for it. Especially, "NO!", "I don't want", "I will not eat", "I want xyz..." AND "I want to go to the park". All in Malayalam. 

Yes, we do need to start him off in English and other languages soon, but try to get your toddler to do something you want and he doesn't, and you would know why trying anything else but the language most familiar with seems like the stupidest idea in the world. Especially when, even that, he suddenly seems to stop understanding.

He has been saying some very outrageous things recently that have me and mom simply stare at each other in shock and wonder "Where did THAT come from?!". And all this when the "questioning phase" has not even begun. From calling his grandmother a "naughty woman", very matter of fact-ly, because she did not do something he asked of her, to saying stuff like "ee ammayudey oru kaaryam" (I don't even know how to translate that into English!), if I did something sloppy or a little silly, he has all of us wondering from where and how quickly he picks up this stuff.

It is not really the exact "topic" of conversations or even the way he says them that are shocking as compared to the actual words he uses to express them. Simply put, he has this ancestral, old man style of presenting things.

 A couple of incidents:

Sid: "And you know what happens next?!"

The other day we were going out to meet friend N and he probably pciked up from some conversation at home that that was who we were going to meet. However, while waiting for N on the way, I told him we were going to meet friend P. Pat comes the reply "Nammalkku thalkkaalam 'N'indey koodey maatram poyaal mathi. Kurachu kazhinju 'P'ineyum kaanaam."
Now, I can't explain why that sentence is shocking. It is not the preference he expressed but the words he used and the way he frames the sentences. Trying to explain in normal English would be to say "Let us go out with N for the time being. Then, in a few moments, we shall meet P as well" instead of "we will meet N now and P later". (You notice the things I have written in bold? Yeah. Those are his "regular speech" words. One thing is for sure, I am not the source at all).

A new tact the fellow has learnt is that it is easier to spell out a compromise than a loud "NO". So, when I ask him to come for a bath in the morning, he says very sweetly and seriously, "nammalkku kurachu neram koodi kalichittu poyi vegam kulikkaam". The closest English translation may be "We shall play for a while longer and then go take a quick shower".

I know, when I mention them here they are simple conversations, not much to report. But to me, hearing new words and sentences from him, words and sentence formations that I didn't realize he knew, is quite an experience. And then to hear him speak a slightly more formal, proper word or sentence, words and sentences that we usually don't even use in day to day speech, is even more astounding. Call me an "unnecessarily" proud mother if you may, this guy shocks us every single day with some of the things he says.

A nighty-night story for mom

Things Mom would like you to Know

Hey Baby,

I have been meaning to write you a letter since forever. The first time this idea stuck me was when I had acknowledged and gotten used to the fact that there was this little person that was growing inside me. There were so many things I wanted to tell you about this world that we would be bringing you into but, somehow that didn't happen. Then with each of your last two birthdays the thought fleeted by. Then there were so many events that happened in our lives last year, so many things that changed everything I thought our life would be to things that even I can't comprehend at this point, that I wanted to write the messages I learnt from them and feelings I felt during these times to you. And then through each of your stages, questions, looks, tantrums and strange habits that you gain  and (luckily) lose each week, I wanted to tell you so many things about you, me...and...us. Finally today, when it is not any significant date or year or event, when I came across another letter from a new mom to her daughter, when I have NOT collated and compiled all my thoughts even, that I am finally sitting down to write my letter to a not eve two and a half year old you. :)

 (PS. This means there are a never ending list of things I wish for you to know. Oh! But you already know THAT fact. :D )

1. You are my world.

 Before you happened I had no idea about the infinite quantity of love I was capable of. I look at you and realize that statements like "my heart brims over with love" are actual physical feelings that humans are capable of. You taught me me. You taught me the strength I had, because my darling, you will one day know the amount of sweet pain this love means and how much strength you need, to hold that much love inside. You ARE my whole world and I will ALWAYS love you no matter what (Read: no matter how mad you make me at times)

2. You are the best at being YOU. And only you can be that.

Makes you Happy, right?

Let no one tell you any different. In this world of unhealthy competition and crazy comparisons, never forget that you have been made a certain way and you are thoroughly loved for that. You have your own strengths and weaknesses, like every single person out there. I have no problem in you trying to do the impossible. In fact I'll be right there beside you supporting, applauding and in case it doesn't work, putting my arms around you (if that is what you need at that moment). However, do it for yourself. Do it only if it makes you happy and not because "everyone else is doing the same" or "that is the in thing" or any other such reasons that begin with "everybody".

3. Be Right, Be Happy

My only goal for you is that you learn to be happy. No need to conform. Be different. You will be judged. You will be tagged. But if it is not "wrong" (and I am counting on being able to raise you to know your rights and wrongs and make the right judgement because honey...

And if it makes you happy, then go ahead and be just that.
Your mother does NOT expect you to do things to make her happy. Your mother expects you to do things that you know are right AND that make you happy and she will be proud of you and happy in your happiness. 

Always remember that life will throw a lot of curve-balls at you. Learn to expect them, face them and be proud of yourself and not get pulled down by them.
Don't expect life to reach a point of happiness. Don't try to find Big happiness AFTER you have achieved certain goals or solved certain problems. Learn to be happy despite them, everyday, in small small ways. 

4. I'll always be proud of your efforts

Baby, your mom is just made that way. I will NEVER berate you for failures if I have seen you try. Of course I would exult in and celebrate your success and achievements. But what I would be the most proud of are your efforts. To watch you sincerely work hard, again and again even, at something would give me a world of pride and joy than to see you gaining things unjustly and too quickly. For, the things you gain like that would have no meaning or importance and would eventually give you no happiness.

5. Be an Outdoor person, please.

What I mean is Play.Some.Sport. I know you will have your smart phones and computer games, cartoon networks and DVDs, books and home works and in time your play stations as well. However, I really really want you to go out and breathe the air, get tanned, fall in the grass, run, jump, climb, swim, cycle...just PLAY outdoors.

6. Treat everyone with respect.

Unfortunately in today's world, there are all kinds of tags out there. You may even receive a few. All I can count on is I am bringing up a real person who will always have the sense to remember that every single being he meets is an individual, a person worthy of love, respect, understanding, friendship and least of all a CHANCE and not, NEVER EVER a tag, be it race, caste, religion, color, region, gender ANYTHING. Here also I would like you to remember that different is NOT BAD. Meet people, like people, everyone is an individual, not a general classification.

7. Love Animals

Ok. I know I cannot force this one on you no matter how much I want. So, if you are the kind who doesn't enjoy the company of the furry or the feathered, I can (try and) understand that that is just how you are. But remember NEVER to hurt them. They are here for a reason. This is as much their planet as ours. In fact, they do way less harm to this planet than we do. They can't talk and they can't express pain and you don't get to GIVE THEM ANY.

8. Be a gentleman 

Be a protector, a brother, a gentleman

This includes a lot of things, treating women with respect being top of the list. This also includes not dressing in pants 5 sizes too loose or looking like a walking canvas. This also means watching your language, treating elders with care and consideration, helping the needy and simply being a polite and likable boy. This means being a brother, a protector, a pillar to the people around you. I hope you find the merits of all of this soon enough.

9. Cry - It is normal. 

Sadness is an emotion and crying is an expression and yes, boys (and men) DO cry. And while you are at it, always remember that expressions are the key to relationships. Express love, express happiness, express pain and sadness, express anger as well, but just like everything else, overdoing it might cause you and people close to you harm. But remember, unlike a uterus, God did give men tear ducts. 

10. Make friends, eventually they matter the most 

As they say, we don't get to chose our relatives. Friends are the only special people in our lives that we get to choose and keep. Love them, keep them and always value them. Number of friends you have don't matter (yes, yes I know Facebook or whatever else you will have then). What matters is you have the kind who NEVER make you feel alone in this world when you really need them. Believe me son, I am here, me, on this date, writing this letter to you with so much sanity and clarity, all thanks to some really God given gems.

11. Find your passions - they are free therapy.

I have had my shares of ups and downs in life. So have your grandparents. Hopefully over the years, over a lot of shared coffee and conversations and stories and moments you will hear and be part of and proud of each of these tales that made us, us and you, you. However, one thing that I turned to at some really testing times was my passions. Reading, playing a bit with colors, a little crocheting, a little cleaning and rearranging our home, some crafts, anything. Find your passion, find your creative streak and lo! you find your free therapy. It could be music, sketching, painting, musical instruments, dance, photography, you name it. And remember: you don't HAVE to be good at it. It is for YOU to enjoy doing only. It is to make you happy. :)

12. I hope we will always be best friends

I took the following lines from something I had read some time back:

"there is an old adage that starts, "A son is a son till he takes a wife..." Over time, I pray our bond stays strong enough to disprove this saying.

13.  Read. 

There are so many worlds out there.

May beautiful worlds around you

I agree that it is a matter of personal choice. You may or may not find pleasure in books. But I would like you to give it a few tries. I lived my life through many, many lives and many worlds. I lived my life knowing fairy creatures and worlds on top of trees, I lived my life knowing murder investigators and jailbirds (this, from one of my favorite books). I lived my life knowing sensible butlers and funny masters. And so many many more. And I love each one of them. You really don't see much of this world if you don't see them through the pages of the book as well.

14. Explore the world, explore your limits.

Yes. Travel. But in other words, take the road less travelled. I don't want you to ever feel that you missed out in life for the lack of chances. Take yours. Have your adventures.

15. This will ALWAYS be your home. I will ALWAYS be here for you. Yes, you will make your own life and have your own family, you will travel all those less travelled paths, you will succeed, you might fail, we might have our arguments and disagreements, but remember, you ARE my whole world and forever will be and I will always always be the same mother that was born with you on 6th April, 2010. I will always love and cherish you and I will always be here to welcome you home whenever you feel like it.

I'll be here to hold your hand through every storm.

Expressions of Love

I am just Absolutely Completely in Love with this stage. The little one has discovered hugging and kissing and cuddling. So, in the midst of all the playing and running around, he gets this sudden urge and comes running , hugs me tight and plants a beeeeg kiss on my cheeks. Also, considering that this is much less painful and much more enjoyable compared to being bitten extremely hard when the sudden outpouring of love happened, I  just can't get enough of it. Cuddly time is here. Yay!

Cuddly play time with Mama.

I tell Mama great stories too

I have decided to enjoy every single second of these numbered days which will be only too quickly followed by "Oh Mom! Please don't hug/kiss me in public! This is sooooooooo embarrassing."

Only if some part of this stage stayed with men forever. :) Right now, leaving for office has become even more difficult considering all the cuddling baby time we are both missing. Sigh!

The New Mom (&Single Mom) Syndrome

Updating the blog once again after a long long break...
This single working mother stage doesn't leave much time for indulgences like reading, writing, painting, or doing anything else that a mommy wants to do for herself. Am I complaining. Not really.Read on and find out...

Had a conversation with a college friend today who is a relatively new dad to a 6 months old girl. He asked me a couple of very fundamental questions today. Questions I hadn't asked myself and questions that got me thinking. Questions that I would like to share here along with my responses, and hope I get some responses from you all as well.

During the conversation, he shared with me his concern for his wife, that over a period of time she may get frustrated and upset about having left her job and sitting at home alone the entire day doing nothing else but taking care of the baby. He told me that he has seen many of his freinds, friend's wives getting upset and frustrated over a period of time when they felt that their life seemed to mean nothing else but the baby. He asked me how I managed the 1.5 years that I stayed at home prior to re-joining work. Most of which, after Sid was born, being spent with my parents since Sid's dad (P) was not around. You find these questions weird and selfish. DONT!

I left my job at Chennai and moved here when P got a job here. It was here that we discovered I was pregnant and so I decided that joining work knowing I will discontinue within 6-7 months didnt make sense (I had already decided a 3 month maternity leave was not what I wanted to spend with the kid). These 9 months passed without much emotional hassles because pregnancy doesn't give one time to dwell over much else and during this period I think I read more than any other time during my adult life. (As a Kid the amount I read has been unbelievable and cannot be competed against by adult me!)

Then came Sid. His arrival and first 3 months also passed without too  much emotional baggage other than the post natal bouts of (extremely common and scientifically accepted) sadness and tears that engulfed me during the first 2-3 weeks. 

THEN, P left for his course and I had to move to a totally new and underdeveloped (read  village) place with my parents. The first couple of months passed fine but eventually the emptiness swept in. And this emptiness cannot be explained to anyone who hasnt experienced it. Becasue the average person will ask "what emptiness when you are running around like crazy after a baby 24X7???". (And mine was a 24X7 duty cos the kid wouldnt sleep). But this is the emptiness of not having any meaning any purpose to the life. Again avg person's qsn, "but you have the most meaningful thing in your life". YES. Very emphatic yes. But, the daily routine of taking care of a baby, same activities, similar mornings, similar evenings, one day rushing into the other, nothing new to look forward to, no entertainment for self, no personal goals, no feeling of achievement, no crazy fun, no hectic deadlines. NOTHING. Life was just the kid. I was nothing. I was just an extension of the kid who did things for him till he could do them himself. More than that I had no identity. Plus, no one ever prepares you for the depression, the pains, the complete lack of energy and enthusiasm, days when you hardly get time to take bath,  for unkempt self,for not wanting to look into a mirror, for rushed or half-left meals and sleepless nights. 

Once again, let me emphasize for anyone who is thinking "Oh! what a selfish mother" -  NO, I am not taking anything away from the joy of motherhood. Sid is the bestest ever thing to have happened in my life. I dont derive more pleasure and sense of fulfilment from anythin gelse I do. But to have that "something" else is really really important.

Of course, not wanting to scare my friend into escaping to outer space, I only told him that things may get slightly monotonous and tiring for her. So to try and help her as much as he could when he was around. And more importantly, to try and take her out for dinners, short trips, a drive, whatever is feasible with the baby. Breaks the routine, takes her mind out, gives her something to look forward to and a reason to look into a mirror, comb her hair, put on her makeup and find the old pretty girl in there somewhere. 

Things I didn't have.

Any guy reading this post, please note, your girl desperately needs small breaks though she will never ask and will never complain because, after all it is related to looking after her baby. And, believe me, to look into the mirror and find a fat, ugly, unkempt, tired, lifeless, unrecognizable image look back at you can be the biggest reason for depression.

The second thing that he asked me is slightly connected to the first. And it is, Managing it all alone now, the work, a home and most importantly a baby, ALL ALONE, wasn't it driving me crazy? 

The answer to that is Yes, but good crazy. The first few months I was really rejoicing in a sense of high in the realization that I COULD DO IT. That i didn't really need anyone. I was managing it all and managing it well. The stress is there, the pressures and sometimes the anger (especially at P) on extremely tough days, but overall I have no complaints. if given a choice I would definitely do this all over again. THis stage has been extremely therapeutic for my ego, for my self.

Most importantly, the feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and self doubt that existed in the previous stage could not have met with a better counselling and thrashing down than the absolute diametrically opposite that I got thrown into suddenly. With all its hardships and challenges, I am loving this stage. I am loving my strength, I am loving my ability, I am loving my capability, and most importantly, I am loving seeing my son grow up. Every smile, every laugh, every tantrum, every glitter in the eye, every new word, every tough night (well, not that, actually) and mostly every single day of delighted laugh on seeing his mom come back from work has made this worth it and more, much much more! 

Life has its ways. However puzzling, however unexpected, Life has its own surprising ways...

On His First Budday...After cake cutting etc.

 

Growing up is real fun. But watching ones kid grow up can sometimes be a little scary and stressful. Here are a few instances why...

We use a table fan for Sid as he doesn't take well to AC. The first thing I do on waking up is to switch off the table fan, unplug the same and push it to the far corner. Once moved thus, Sid would not turn and look at it - till about 3 weeks back.

Last week he discovered that he can still reach the table fan and promptly started playing with the buttons on it. Even though unplugged, the scene somehow sent shivers down my spine. (Kids and electric equipment! And a table fan at that!!!). However, since unplugged, I didn't make a huge fuss except to casually divert Sid's attention onto something else.
The actual Shock set in when, on not being able to switch on the fan, he promptly picked up the plug and tried pushing it into the socket!!! And whats more he even hit a few of the switches to see if that worked. The scene had me immobile with shock? fear? pride? and such before I managed to scamper out of bed and pull him away. Now have to find a serious solution before he actually manages to start the fan! With this rate of progress, won't be too long. I am still not sure if I was more impressed or more scared stiff.
The other things he has picked up the last few weeks include understanding that pens are usually pulled open and then scratched on papers. And in case of success, this is accompanied with squeals of delight. Dangerous again!
Among the good things, Sid knows we wear shoes before going out. So whenever in the mood for a walk, he brings over the respective persons shoe. The sweetest thing here is he will first bring me one shoe, then go back and bring the other one as well.
He also has learnt that bottles and utensils are to be closed after use. (I am really pleased with this and hope the streak continues).

Also pleased with the cleanliness streak that makes him come running to me with hands raised at the smallest hint of dirt, and cries "dirty dirty" till its washed. (just don't get too obsessed darling). Oh! That washing bit was till last week when this post had been started. now he just comes, holds my skirt/t-shirt/what-ever-mama-wears on one hand and wipes the other hand with it, very efficiently too. Complete with hand-eye-coordination and everything!!!
What really impressed me seeing these small developments is the things babies pick up by just observing us, completely unnoticed. This realisation has made me very conscious of all my actions in front of him.
Small traits and habits that I would be comfortable pursuing in front of Sid, thinking, "oh! he is not going to judge me for some more time", has now become even more dangerous!
To Sid: Baby, Chewing nails is bad habit and Mama does it only when highly distressed(And that is NOT an excuse also). So, please don't pick that up.
And talking to oneself will also not be looked at very nicely, ever!
Not writing about the other stuff that I am personally worried about. Just "Note to Self".
Signing Off With: CALVIN: "Where Do you Keep all the Chainsaws, Mom..."

Been a long time since I updated anything new about Sid's growth. And sadly when I did come back it was an impulsive and quick write up about a movie that moved the mother in me to the very core.

To try and turn things into a little more pleasanter note, I am trying to write another little update on my Hero and his mom. The reason that mama has not been able to write more is that here we are, Sid and me living with Chitrammai (CA) in Trivandrum.

 Mama has started working and has started leaving Sid at home with a maid and CA to take care of him.

There was nothing that has worried and scared mama more than the weeks preceding the shift and the thought of leaving Sid with CA and a stranger. Luckily, the whole joining process was so quick that mama didn't get enough time to worry herself sick. The way things normally tend to happen, all this has settled itself. Sid is fine with CA and the maid.

Other than the usual - maid issues, small hiccups of not living in your home but with a relative, practically being a single mom (even temporarily) AND not having either set of grandparents with us to help, ohh! and being a working single mom at that - everything else has been going on in a pattern the last 2 months.

The biggest change in Sid has been all emotional and communications. Wow! Does my son have a temper or what. I am hoping against hope that this is just a phase and not a reflection of things to come, the temper! We scream and cry and hit and bite and hit the floor/bed with both our hands and throw every possible tantrum till we get what we need. And whats worst, we cannot yet tell people what we need!

And whats more, if we are not really sad or angry, we know how to act as well!

As for telling, we are in a "count the syllable phase right now. So whatever you point and name to Sid in a particular intonation, Sid repeats the number of syllables and the intonations all in the same sound. So, "Ball' is "Ba", "Ba-lloon" is "Ba Ba". Clock is "Ka", Car is "Ka" and Ca-Len-Der is "Ka Ka Ka". And so on. All animals, even reptiles, aer "Bow Bow".

But, the good thing is when asked to point out something like the clock or ball or car or head etc. we can promptly point and direct the ignorant.

Further, we love the mobile phone. we take it to our ears and ask for "ammumma" in it always cos ammumma is the only person who talks to us on phone.

We love to feed and give water. So when mama gives me water to drink in our sipper we drink our fill and then push the bottle to mama's lips. and if she doesn't drink we "slurp slurp slurp" trying to teach poor ignorant mama how to drink from the sipper. we also push food into mama's mouth when she is trying to feed us.

And though we have a very bad temper, we have also become more expressive of our love. We love to hug and kiss a lot these days, though all that is limited to a very happy mama. And everything said the Joy we feel that reflects on our face when we see mom come back from office is UNMATCHED.

Also, we love to play on mama's office laptop.

I don't know why I wrote all that in first person "plural" from Sid!!!

Unnamed........

Haven't been this moved by a movie in a long long....long time. watched the Malayalam movie traffic, today. I know this post doesnt seem to fit in a stagnant baby blog. But maybe it was the pain of two mothers in the movie that I could relate the most with in the movie. Before I were a mother it may have been the sacrifice of the young man, even if in ignorance, or the strength of the decision of his friends and girlfriend that I may have associated with most. Or, it may have been another unnamed hero, the friend/navigator who would have been my main charater in the movie, after the protagonist driver/cop of course. But, the first time I watched a movie with tears in my eyes, a HUGE lump in my throat and a lot of pain in my heart. And, more importantly the first time in my life where I had to skip whole portions of a movie becasue I couldnt stand to watch the pain of watching parents, especially the mother who...............can't even complete the statement). There are times when I watch this happen in a movie or hear about it in everyday life and think that i can empathise with the mother and have my heart go out to her. But, who was  fooling. Not before today, and never before being a mother myself could I ever even start imagining the depths of that pain. Even as I write this post at the end of the movie I have unshed tears in my heart. Never Ever Before I have known there exists a pain so deep that it makes it even difficult to cry. Even that little relied in shedding tears is denied in that pain.

Heard somewhere - there are widows, widowers. There are orphans and what not. But one loss in this world is so unimaginably BIG that there is no word to define the survivor.

Verticality - Getting there

A lot of things, thoughts, have been running around in my head and yet I am unable to reign any one thought in enough to dwell over it and put it down into coherent words. In truth I am yet to break free  of the hibernation mode. Hence the long days of silence. Anyhow, I decided to try and resume writing by taking the easy way out - journalling Sid's latest developments.

Onto Two Little Feet: Its really amazing how we take for granted acts like standing, walking and running, considering how difficult it is to actually just get off our bums and onto two very unstable little feet. To get a hold someplace (mostly very wrong places like ends of a bed sheet) then attempt to pull oneself up, keep falling back onto your bum till finally you manage to get up; And all for what, just as things start looking interesting on the new surface and you excitedly extend your hands to grab something, you are back on your bum, and this time the fall is very hard too (from all that height). Wow! watching this cycle gives one a new appreciation of the things we do with ease, without thinking twice. More importantly it teaches us what determination is. Just to keep on and on at something that is so painful and difficult till one gets it so right one doesn't have to think twice about it. You gotta learn it from these little ones. Anyhow, Sid is currently (as of late November) at this painful stage.

 

What has now become a "can do with no effort" activity is sitting up and playing. all the see-sawing and falling off has finally, thankfully ended. (though of course, it was less painful to fall while sitting compared to while standing)

 



serious speech



 Talkie Talk: Communication has progressed to a lot of single syllable sounds like ta-ta, tha tha,  and so on. He looks at the respective thing when asked where the light is, fan is, where Danny is, or the Christmas star. He knows where to look for flowers ("poo" in Malayalam) in the garden and has learned to say poo as well. He has started saying "atha" and only calls for "amma" (mom) when he is crying or wants something. All the baby sounds he makes has finally made communication a 2-way process of speaking if not hearing and understanding.

Food, The New Struggle: I do realise that I have written an entire article about the difficulties of feeding but however much I write, it seems I haven't even begun to cover the difficulties. How I wish babies, who otherwise are really intelligent you know, had been born with the basic understanding that food can assuage hunger. its a really vicious circle. Hunger makes him cranky - cranky makes him difficult to sit at a place or open his mouth - thus becoming more hungry!

The Games We Play:

Break the Glass - Course, the ultimate favorite thing right now, as soon as he is left on the ground, is to hold on to the centre table, climb up and bang on the glass top as hard as possible. really scary game.



pushing the chair round



Mover Boy: Another latest fad is to sit at the leg of any furniture and try to drag it back and forth. The hospital provided plastic chair are real fun cos they actually move and make a lot of noise. However, Sid tries this on everything, from suitcases under the bed to the bed itself.

Pick and Drop: Nah! this isn't about techie travel tails. Sid's latest game is to throw everything onto the ground and then have them picked up by others, repeatedly. Also, as soon as he sees anything on the surface of the table it all goes down in a single swish. That's rather more convenient to bang the table top.

Tabla Boy: So right after he sees something new and before it goes into his mouth his latest interest is to hit it again and again with his hands to see if it makes any interesting noise, oh uh I mean sound. 

That and a million other wonderful instances as well as not so wonderful eating (read not eating) and sleeping (read sleepless) and falling (read head bumps) instances have made the last month fun for mama and Sid.



biting away at mama's hand



Hibernation

I have been in one of those modes the last few weeks where I find myself unwilling to do anything. Its like the winter has actually put me in hibernation. Of course, in kerala there is no winter, its unbearably hot even now and well, I can hardly hope to hibernate (i don't even get to sleep folks) with an 8 month old fella crawling and climbing all around.

But still, whatever little time I get for myself I have been spending slumping around in front of the idiot box (no, not this one, the other one) watching dumb shows and wondering why people make such shows and why others (like me) sit and watch them.

It didn't help matters when I finally fell ill on top of all this last couple of days, with terrible viral fever. It took its toll on my tired body so bad that I couldn't even raise my head enough to gulp down water for 2 days. But, maybe in a way it did help matters. Because falling ill and not being able to even move broke me out of my reverie and made me realise the thousands of things I could have been doing during my "free time". Oh! the biggest shock was when I realised I actually finished a book a couple of weeks back and hadn't even started a new one yet. (Anyone who knows me, knows what an anomaly that is). So I finally recovered from the viral fever and the hibernation/sloth stage and here I am.

I have this habit of starting new hobbies but never heading anywhere with them. There are umpteen things I have started training/practicing/learning during my lifetime that have hardly lasted a few days or weeks, just some (un)lucky few lasting a few years. (When I say unlucky I am hinting at things like music classes which the whole house had to suffer because of my (lack of) talent).A few of these are classical music, classical dance, violin classes,cinematic dance and so on.

The only thing I have started at very young age and still continue with ardor is reading. There has hardly been a continuous week in my life when I have not had a "currently reading" book. I can in full earnesty say that I have not been in between books for longer than a week, if I had an option. But, I guess that still describes how lazy I am as thats the one activity that needs the least labor.

Very recently (read, since Sid) after the first couple of months of 'mothering' I hit the stage where I felt I had forgotten there was life outside motherhood and was getting too embroiled (if that is possible) in each nitty gritty of it. So much so that I stopped to exist as"me" but only as "Sid's mother". I eventually realised the abyss this was pulling me into and also that if this state of things continued I would be the one suffering separation anxiety* (instead of Sid) and empty nest syndrome** as soon as Sid joins playschool! So to get myself out of that I started further more 'hobbies'.

For one, we bought a lot of plants - roses and other flowering variety - and I got busy in planting and caring for these. The best part about gardening is that the fruit (flower) of one's labor is so beautiful and needs so much constant attention that one doesn't get an opportunity to 'grow out of' so to speak, this particular hobby. It really has been fulfilling to see this bare weeded stretch (the new house we shifted into a few months back) now having so many colours.

 from our garden

very early oil pastel lessons



I also went and bought myself a set of pastels and drawing book and began a self taught (online, of course) lesson on oil pastel coloring. Made some mediocre copies of some great works seen online. Unfortunately, this one wasn't as lucky as the gardening and has been collecting dust for some time now.

Most important and interestingly I started this blog to record Sid's growing up years and well, it has had its up and down days as well. Lets hope it sees some more up days now than it has recently been seeing.

In all honesty I wasn't sure where i was heading when I started with this post (Still not sure). But by the end of it I have at least achieved a post and hopefully this shall mark my return to updating the blog more regularly.

*Separation anxiety is a phenomenon that 5-6 months old infants and younger children are known to experience when there mom's are not around. (Ofcourse it has more serious forms as well, but we are referring to the most harmless and common form)
**usually occurs in parents when kids finally leave home.