"It's Who You Are"

A song by A J Michelka.

This day started with me being lucky enough to read a beautiful message written by my closest friend and then mother-to-be, to her precious little daughter who was yet to be born. The little darling arrived on Dec 2011 and has now bloomed into a beautiful, beautiful angel whom I was so lucky to meet earlier this month. :)

By the end of the message, I was so touched and (obviously) had moist eyes and I was so, so sure I had to share this message with you, cos no matter how many times I say this, it will not feel enough in these times of fierce competition, comparisons and peer pressure. 

So I immediately went searching for the song. And the song itself is so very beautiful,

Dear boy, I have said this before in that little message I had written to you the other day, and here I am saying it again through this song. All that matters is "who YOU are". At the end of it, that is all it is. Do things for yourself, do things that make you happy without stepping over others, do things that don't hurt others because honey, that's who YOU are. :)

And I will always, Always love you for being this person I was blessed to have as my son, no matter what comes and goes in the way.

Thank you so much Teena, for sharing the post with me this day. :)

Things Mom would like you to Know

Hey Baby,

I have been meaning to write you a letter since forever. The first time this idea stuck me was when I had acknowledged and gotten used to the fact that there was this little person that was growing inside me. There were so many things I wanted to tell you about this world that we would be bringing you into but, somehow that didn't happen. Then with each of your last two birthdays the thought fleeted by. Then there were so many events that happened in our lives last year, so many things that changed everything I thought our life would be to things that even I can't comprehend at this point, that I wanted to write the messages I learnt from them and feelings I felt during these times to you. And then through each of your stages, questions, looks, tantrums and strange habits that you gain  and (luckily) lose each week, I wanted to tell you so many things about you, me...and...us. Finally today, when it is not any significant date or year or event, when I came across another letter from a new mom to her daughter, when I have NOT collated and compiled all my thoughts even, that I am finally sitting down to write my letter to a not eve two and a half year old you. :)

 (PS. This means there are a never ending list of things I wish for you to know. Oh! But you already know THAT fact. :D )

1. You are my world.

 Before you happened I had no idea about the infinite quantity of love I was capable of. I look at you and realize that statements like "my heart brims over with love" are actual physical feelings that humans are capable of. You taught me me. You taught me the strength I had, because my darling, you will one day know the amount of sweet pain this love means and how much strength you need, to hold that much love inside. You ARE my whole world and I will ALWAYS love you no matter what (Read: no matter how mad you make me at times)

2. You are the best at being YOU. And only you can be that.

Makes you Happy, right?

Let no one tell you any different. In this world of unhealthy competition and crazy comparisons, never forget that you have been made a certain way and you are thoroughly loved for that. You have your own strengths and weaknesses, like every single person out there. I have no problem in you trying to do the impossible. In fact I'll be right there beside you supporting, applauding and in case it doesn't work, putting my arms around you (if that is what you need at that moment). However, do it for yourself. Do it only if it makes you happy and not because "everyone else is doing the same" or "that is the in thing" or any other such reasons that begin with "everybody".

3. Be Right, Be Happy

My only goal for you is that you learn to be happy. No need to conform. Be different. You will be judged. You will be tagged. But if it is not "wrong" (and I am counting on being able to raise you to know your rights and wrongs and make the right judgement because honey...

And if it makes you happy, then go ahead and be just that.
Your mother does NOT expect you to do things to make her happy. Your mother expects you to do things that you know are right AND that make you happy and she will be proud of you and happy in your happiness. 

Always remember that life will throw a lot of curve-balls at you. Learn to expect them, face them and be proud of yourself and not get pulled down by them.
Don't expect life to reach a point of happiness. Don't try to find Big happiness AFTER you have achieved certain goals or solved certain problems. Learn to be happy despite them, everyday, in small small ways. 

4. I'll always be proud of your efforts

Baby, your mom is just made that way. I will NEVER berate you for failures if I have seen you try. Of course I would exult in and celebrate your success and achievements. But what I would be the most proud of are your efforts. To watch you sincerely work hard, again and again even, at something would give me a world of pride and joy than to see you gaining things unjustly and too quickly. For, the things you gain like that would have no meaning or importance and would eventually give you no happiness.

5. Be an Outdoor person, please.

What I mean is Play.Some.Sport. I know you will have your smart phones and computer games, cartoon networks and DVDs, books and home works and in time your play stations as well. However, I really really want you to go out and breathe the air, get tanned, fall in the grass, run, jump, climb, swim, cycle...just PLAY outdoors.

6. Treat everyone with respect.

Unfortunately in today's world, there are all kinds of tags out there. You may even receive a few. All I can count on is I am bringing up a real person who will always have the sense to remember that every single being he meets is an individual, a person worthy of love, respect, understanding, friendship and least of all a CHANCE and not, NEVER EVER a tag, be it race, caste, religion, color, region, gender ANYTHING. Here also I would like you to remember that different is NOT BAD. Meet people, like people, everyone is an individual, not a general classification.

7. Love Animals

Ok. I know I cannot force this one on you no matter how much I want. So, if you are the kind who doesn't enjoy the company of the furry or the feathered, I can (try and) understand that that is just how you are. But remember NEVER to hurt them. They are here for a reason. This is as much their planet as ours. In fact, they do way less harm to this planet than we do. They can't talk and they can't express pain and you don't get to GIVE THEM ANY.

8. Be a gentleman 

Be a protector, a brother, a gentleman

This includes a lot of things, treating women with respect being top of the list. This also includes not dressing in pants 5 sizes too loose or looking like a walking canvas. This also means watching your language, treating elders with care and consideration, helping the needy and simply being a polite and likable boy. This means being a brother, a protector, a pillar to the people around you. I hope you find the merits of all of this soon enough.

9. Cry - It is normal. 

Sadness is an emotion and crying is an expression and yes, boys (and men) DO cry. And while you are at it, always remember that expressions are the key to relationships. Express love, express happiness, express pain and sadness, express anger as well, but just like everything else, overdoing it might cause you and people close to you harm. But remember, unlike a uterus, God did give men tear ducts. 

10. Make friends, eventually they matter the most 

As they say, we don't get to chose our relatives. Friends are the only special people in our lives that we get to choose and keep. Love them, keep them and always value them. Number of friends you have don't matter (yes, yes I know Facebook or whatever else you will have then). What matters is you have the kind who NEVER make you feel alone in this world when you really need them. Believe me son, I am here, me, on this date, writing this letter to you with so much sanity and clarity, all thanks to some really God given gems.

11. Find your passions - they are free therapy.

I have had my shares of ups and downs in life. So have your grandparents. Hopefully over the years, over a lot of shared coffee and conversations and stories and moments you will hear and be part of and proud of each of these tales that made us, us and you, you. However, one thing that I turned to at some really testing times was my passions. Reading, playing a bit with colors, a little crocheting, a little cleaning and rearranging our home, some crafts, anything. Find your passion, find your creative streak and lo! you find your free therapy. It could be music, sketching, painting, musical instruments, dance, photography, you name it. And remember: you don't HAVE to be good at it. It is for YOU to enjoy doing only. It is to make you happy. :)

12. I hope we will always be best friends

I took the following lines from something I had read some time back:

"there is an old adage that starts, "A son is a son till he takes a wife..." Over time, I pray our bond stays strong enough to disprove this saying.

13.  Read. 

There are so many worlds out there.

May beautiful worlds around you

I agree that it is a matter of personal choice. You may or may not find pleasure in books. But I would like you to give it a few tries. I lived my life through many, many lives and many worlds. I lived my life knowing fairy creatures and worlds on top of trees, I lived my life knowing murder investigators and jailbirds (this, from one of my favorite books). I lived my life knowing sensible butlers and funny masters. And so many many more. And I love each one of them. You really don't see much of this world if you don't see them through the pages of the book as well.

14. Explore the world, explore your limits.

Yes. Travel. But in other words, take the road less travelled. I don't want you to ever feel that you missed out in life for the lack of chances. Take yours. Have your adventures.

15. This will ALWAYS be your home. I will ALWAYS be here for you. Yes, you will make your own life and have your own family, you will travel all those less travelled paths, you will succeed, you might fail, we might have our arguments and disagreements, but remember, you ARE my whole world and forever will be and I will always always be the same mother that was born with you on 6th April, 2010. I will always love and cherish you and I will always be here to welcome you home whenever you feel like it.

I'll be here to hold your hand through every storm.

The New Mom (&Single Mom) Syndrome

Updating the blog once again after a long long break...
This single working mother stage doesn't leave much time for indulgences like reading, writing, painting, or doing anything else that a mommy wants to do for herself. Am I complaining. Not really.Read on and find out...

Had a conversation with a college friend today who is a relatively new dad to a 6 months old girl. He asked me a couple of very fundamental questions today. Questions I hadn't asked myself and questions that got me thinking. Questions that I would like to share here along with my responses, and hope I get some responses from you all as well.

During the conversation, he shared with me his concern for his wife, that over a period of time she may get frustrated and upset about having left her job and sitting at home alone the entire day doing nothing else but taking care of the baby. He told me that he has seen many of his freinds, friend's wives getting upset and frustrated over a period of time when they felt that their life seemed to mean nothing else but the baby. He asked me how I managed the 1.5 years that I stayed at home prior to re-joining work. Most of which, after Sid was born, being spent with my parents since Sid's dad (P) was not around. You find these questions weird and selfish. DONT!

I left my job at Chennai and moved here when P got a job here. It was here that we discovered I was pregnant and so I decided that joining work knowing I will discontinue within 6-7 months didnt make sense (I had already decided a 3 month maternity leave was not what I wanted to spend with the kid). These 9 months passed without much emotional hassles because pregnancy doesn't give one time to dwell over much else and during this period I think I read more than any other time during my adult life. (As a Kid the amount I read has been unbelievable and cannot be competed against by adult me!)

Then came Sid. His arrival and first 3 months also passed without too  much emotional baggage other than the post natal bouts of (extremely common and scientifically accepted) sadness and tears that engulfed me during the first 2-3 weeks. 

THEN, P left for his course and I had to move to a totally new and underdeveloped (read  village) place with my parents. The first couple of months passed fine but eventually the emptiness swept in. And this emptiness cannot be explained to anyone who hasnt experienced it. Becasue the average person will ask "what emptiness when you are running around like crazy after a baby 24X7???". (And mine was a 24X7 duty cos the kid wouldnt sleep). But this is the emptiness of not having any meaning any purpose to the life. Again avg person's qsn, "but you have the most meaningful thing in your life". YES. Very emphatic yes. But, the daily routine of taking care of a baby, same activities, similar mornings, similar evenings, one day rushing into the other, nothing new to look forward to, no entertainment for self, no personal goals, no feeling of achievement, no crazy fun, no hectic deadlines. NOTHING. Life was just the kid. I was nothing. I was just an extension of the kid who did things for him till he could do them himself. More than that I had no identity. Plus, no one ever prepares you for the depression, the pains, the complete lack of energy and enthusiasm, days when you hardly get time to take bath,  for unkempt self,for not wanting to look into a mirror, for rushed or half-left meals and sleepless nights. 

Once again, let me emphasize for anyone who is thinking "Oh! what a selfish mother" -  NO, I am not taking anything away from the joy of motherhood. Sid is the bestest ever thing to have happened in my life. I dont derive more pleasure and sense of fulfilment from anythin gelse I do. But to have that "something" else is really really important.

Of course, not wanting to scare my friend into escaping to outer space, I only told him that things may get slightly monotonous and tiring for her. So to try and help her as much as he could when he was around. And more importantly, to try and take her out for dinners, short trips, a drive, whatever is feasible with the baby. Breaks the routine, takes her mind out, gives her something to look forward to and a reason to look into a mirror, comb her hair, put on her makeup and find the old pretty girl in there somewhere. 

Things I didn't have.

Any guy reading this post, please note, your girl desperately needs small breaks though she will never ask and will never complain because, after all it is related to looking after her baby. And, believe me, to look into the mirror and find a fat, ugly, unkempt, tired, lifeless, unrecognizable image look back at you can be the biggest reason for depression.

The second thing that he asked me is slightly connected to the first. And it is, Managing it all alone now, the work, a home and most importantly a baby, ALL ALONE, wasn't it driving me crazy? 

The answer to that is Yes, but good crazy. The first few months I was really rejoicing in a sense of high in the realization that I COULD DO IT. That i didn't really need anyone. I was managing it all and managing it well. The stress is there, the pressures and sometimes the anger (especially at P) on extremely tough days, but overall I have no complaints. if given a choice I would definitely do this all over again. THis stage has been extremely therapeutic for my ego, for my self.

Most importantly, the feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and self doubt that existed in the previous stage could not have met with a better counselling and thrashing down than the absolute diametrically opposite that I got thrown into suddenly. With all its hardships and challenges, I am loving this stage. I am loving my strength, I am loving my ability, I am loving my capability, and most importantly, I am loving seeing my son grow up. Every smile, every laugh, every tantrum, every glitter in the eye, every new word, every tough night (well, not that, actually) and mostly every single day of delighted laugh on seeing his mom come back from work has made this worth it and more, much much more! 

Life has its ways. However puzzling, however unexpected, Life has its own surprising ways...

Hibernation

I have been in one of those modes the last few weeks where I find myself unwilling to do anything. Its like the winter has actually put me in hibernation. Of course, in kerala there is no winter, its unbearably hot even now and well, I can hardly hope to hibernate (i don't even get to sleep folks) with an 8 month old fella crawling and climbing all around.

But still, whatever little time I get for myself I have been spending slumping around in front of the idiot box (no, not this one, the other one) watching dumb shows and wondering why people make such shows and why others (like me) sit and watch them.

It didn't help matters when I finally fell ill on top of all this last couple of days, with terrible viral fever. It took its toll on my tired body so bad that I couldn't even raise my head enough to gulp down water for 2 days. But, maybe in a way it did help matters. Because falling ill and not being able to even move broke me out of my reverie and made me realise the thousands of things I could have been doing during my "free time". Oh! the biggest shock was when I realised I actually finished a book a couple of weeks back and hadn't even started a new one yet. (Anyone who knows me, knows what an anomaly that is). So I finally recovered from the viral fever and the hibernation/sloth stage and here I am.

I have this habit of starting new hobbies but never heading anywhere with them. There are umpteen things I have started training/practicing/learning during my lifetime that have hardly lasted a few days or weeks, just some (un)lucky few lasting a few years. (When I say unlucky I am hinting at things like music classes which the whole house had to suffer because of my (lack of) talent).A few of these are classical music, classical dance, violin classes,cinematic dance and so on.

The only thing I have started at very young age and still continue with ardor is reading. There has hardly been a continuous week in my life when I have not had a "currently reading" book. I can in full earnesty say that I have not been in between books for longer than a week, if I had an option. But, I guess that still describes how lazy I am as thats the one activity that needs the least labor.

Very recently (read, since Sid) after the first couple of months of 'mothering' I hit the stage where I felt I had forgotten there was life outside motherhood and was getting too embroiled (if that is possible) in each nitty gritty of it. So much so that I stopped to exist as"me" but only as "Sid's mother". I eventually realised the abyss this was pulling me into and also that if this state of things continued I would be the one suffering separation anxiety* (instead of Sid) and empty nest syndrome** as soon as Sid joins playschool! So to get myself out of that I started further more 'hobbies'.

For one, we bought a lot of plants - roses and other flowering variety - and I got busy in planting and caring for these. The best part about gardening is that the fruit (flower) of one's labor is so beautiful and needs so much constant attention that one doesn't get an opportunity to 'grow out of' so to speak, this particular hobby. It really has been fulfilling to see this bare weeded stretch (the new house we shifted into a few months back) now having so many colours.

 from our garden

very early oil pastel lessons



I also went and bought myself a set of pastels and drawing book and began a self taught (online, of course) lesson on oil pastel coloring. Made some mediocre copies of some great works seen online. Unfortunately, this one wasn't as lucky as the gardening and has been collecting dust for some time now.

Most important and interestingly I started this blog to record Sid's growing up years and well, it has had its up and down days as well. Lets hope it sees some more up days now than it has recently been seeing.

In all honesty I wasn't sure where i was heading when I started with this post (Still not sure). But by the end of it I have at least achieved a post and hopefully this shall mark my return to updating the blog more regularly.

*Separation anxiety is a phenomenon that 5-6 months old infants and younger children are known to experience when there mom's are not around. (Ofcourse it has more serious forms as well, but we are referring to the most harmless and common form)
**usually occurs in parents when kids finally leave home.