Things Mom would like you to Know

Hey Baby,

I have been meaning to write you a letter since forever. The first time this idea stuck me was when I had acknowledged and gotten used to the fact that there was this little person that was growing inside me. There were so many things I wanted to tell you about this world that we would be bringing you into but, somehow that didn't happen. Then with each of your last two birthdays the thought fleeted by. Then there were so many events that happened in our lives last year, so many things that changed everything I thought our life would be to things that even I can't comprehend at this point, that I wanted to write the messages I learnt from them and feelings I felt during these times to you. And then through each of your stages, questions, looks, tantrums and strange habits that you gain  and (luckily) lose each week, I wanted to tell you so many things about you, me...and...us. Finally today, when it is not any significant date or year or event, when I came across another letter from a new mom to her daughter, when I have NOT collated and compiled all my thoughts even, that I am finally sitting down to write my letter to a not eve two and a half year old you. :)

 (PS. This means there are a never ending list of things I wish for you to know. Oh! But you already know THAT fact. :D )

1. You are my world.

 Before you happened I had no idea about the infinite quantity of love I was capable of. I look at you and realize that statements like "my heart brims over with love" are actual physical feelings that humans are capable of. You taught me me. You taught me the strength I had, because my darling, you will one day know the amount of sweet pain this love means and how much strength you need, to hold that much love inside. You ARE my whole world and I will ALWAYS love you no matter what (Read: no matter how mad you make me at times)

2. You are the best at being YOU. And only you can be that.

Makes you Happy, right?

Let no one tell you any different. In this world of unhealthy competition and crazy comparisons, never forget that you have been made a certain way and you are thoroughly loved for that. You have your own strengths and weaknesses, like every single person out there. I have no problem in you trying to do the impossible. In fact I'll be right there beside you supporting, applauding and in case it doesn't work, putting my arms around you (if that is what you need at that moment). However, do it for yourself. Do it only if it makes you happy and not because "everyone else is doing the same" or "that is the in thing" or any other such reasons that begin with "everybody".

3. Be Right, Be Happy

My only goal for you is that you learn to be happy. No need to conform. Be different. You will be judged. You will be tagged. But if it is not "wrong" (and I am counting on being able to raise you to know your rights and wrongs and make the right judgement because honey...

And if it makes you happy, then go ahead and be just that.
Your mother does NOT expect you to do things to make her happy. Your mother expects you to do things that you know are right AND that make you happy and she will be proud of you and happy in your happiness. 

Always remember that life will throw a lot of curve-balls at you. Learn to expect them, face them and be proud of yourself and not get pulled down by them.
Don't expect life to reach a point of happiness. Don't try to find Big happiness AFTER you have achieved certain goals or solved certain problems. Learn to be happy despite them, everyday, in small small ways. 

4. I'll always be proud of your efforts

Baby, your mom is just made that way. I will NEVER berate you for failures if I have seen you try. Of course I would exult in and celebrate your success and achievements. But what I would be the most proud of are your efforts. To watch you sincerely work hard, again and again even, at something would give me a world of pride and joy than to see you gaining things unjustly and too quickly. For, the things you gain like that would have no meaning or importance and would eventually give you no happiness.

5. Be an Outdoor person, please.

What I mean is Play.Some.Sport. I know you will have your smart phones and computer games, cartoon networks and DVDs, books and home works and in time your play stations as well. However, I really really want you to go out and breathe the air, get tanned, fall in the grass, run, jump, climb, swim, cycle...just PLAY outdoors.

6. Treat everyone with respect.

Unfortunately in today's world, there are all kinds of tags out there. You may even receive a few. All I can count on is I am bringing up a real person who will always have the sense to remember that every single being he meets is an individual, a person worthy of love, respect, understanding, friendship and least of all a CHANCE and not, NEVER EVER a tag, be it race, caste, religion, color, region, gender ANYTHING. Here also I would like you to remember that different is NOT BAD. Meet people, like people, everyone is an individual, not a general classification.

7. Love Animals

Ok. I know I cannot force this one on you no matter how much I want. So, if you are the kind who doesn't enjoy the company of the furry or the feathered, I can (try and) understand that that is just how you are. But remember NEVER to hurt them. They are here for a reason. This is as much their planet as ours. In fact, they do way less harm to this planet than we do. They can't talk and they can't express pain and you don't get to GIVE THEM ANY.

8. Be a gentleman 

Be a protector, a brother, a gentleman

This includes a lot of things, treating women with respect being top of the list. This also includes not dressing in pants 5 sizes too loose or looking like a walking canvas. This also means watching your language, treating elders with care and consideration, helping the needy and simply being a polite and likable boy. This means being a brother, a protector, a pillar to the people around you. I hope you find the merits of all of this soon enough.

9. Cry - It is normal. 

Sadness is an emotion and crying is an expression and yes, boys (and men) DO cry. And while you are at it, always remember that expressions are the key to relationships. Express love, express happiness, express pain and sadness, express anger as well, but just like everything else, overdoing it might cause you and people close to you harm. But remember, unlike a uterus, God did give men tear ducts. 

10. Make friends, eventually they matter the most 

As they say, we don't get to chose our relatives. Friends are the only special people in our lives that we get to choose and keep. Love them, keep them and always value them. Number of friends you have don't matter (yes, yes I know Facebook or whatever else you will have then). What matters is you have the kind who NEVER make you feel alone in this world when you really need them. Believe me son, I am here, me, on this date, writing this letter to you with so much sanity and clarity, all thanks to some really God given gems.

11. Find your passions - they are free therapy.

I have had my shares of ups and downs in life. So have your grandparents. Hopefully over the years, over a lot of shared coffee and conversations and stories and moments you will hear and be part of and proud of each of these tales that made us, us and you, you. However, one thing that I turned to at some really testing times was my passions. Reading, playing a bit with colors, a little crocheting, a little cleaning and rearranging our home, some crafts, anything. Find your passion, find your creative streak and lo! you find your free therapy. It could be music, sketching, painting, musical instruments, dance, photography, you name it. And remember: you don't HAVE to be good at it. It is for YOU to enjoy doing only. It is to make you happy. :)

12. I hope we will always be best friends

I took the following lines from something I had read some time back:

"there is an old adage that starts, "A son is a son till he takes a wife..." Over time, I pray our bond stays strong enough to disprove this saying.

13.  Read. 

There are so many worlds out there.

May beautiful worlds around you

I agree that it is a matter of personal choice. You may or may not find pleasure in books. But I would like you to give it a few tries. I lived my life through many, many lives and many worlds. I lived my life knowing fairy creatures and worlds on top of trees, I lived my life knowing murder investigators and jailbirds (this, from one of my favorite books). I lived my life knowing sensible butlers and funny masters. And so many many more. And I love each one of them. You really don't see much of this world if you don't see them through the pages of the book as well.

14. Explore the world, explore your limits.

Yes. Travel. But in other words, take the road less travelled. I don't want you to ever feel that you missed out in life for the lack of chances. Take yours. Have your adventures.

15. This will ALWAYS be your home. I will ALWAYS be here for you. Yes, you will make your own life and have your own family, you will travel all those less travelled paths, you will succeed, you might fail, we might have our arguments and disagreements, but remember, you ARE my whole world and forever will be and I will always always be the same mother that was born with you on 6th April, 2010. I will always love and cherish you and I will always be here to welcome you home whenever you feel like it.

I'll be here to hold your hand through every storm.

Expressions of Love

I am just Absolutely Completely in Love with this stage. The little one has discovered hugging and kissing and cuddling. So, in the midst of all the playing and running around, he gets this sudden urge and comes running , hugs me tight and plants a beeeeg kiss on my cheeks. Also, considering that this is much less painful and much more enjoyable compared to being bitten extremely hard when the sudden outpouring of love happened, I  just can't get enough of it. Cuddly time is here. Yay!

Cuddly play time with Mama.

I tell Mama great stories too

I have decided to enjoy every single second of these numbered days which will be only too quickly followed by "Oh Mom! Please don't hug/kiss me in public! This is sooooooooo embarrassing."

Only if some part of this stage stayed with men forever. :) Right now, leaving for office has become even more difficult considering all the cuddling baby time we are both missing. Sigh!

The New Mom (&Single Mom) Syndrome

Updating the blog once again after a long long break...
This single working mother stage doesn't leave much time for indulgences like reading, writing, painting, or doing anything else that a mommy wants to do for herself. Am I complaining. Not really.Read on and find out...

Had a conversation with a college friend today who is a relatively new dad to a 6 months old girl. He asked me a couple of very fundamental questions today. Questions I hadn't asked myself and questions that got me thinking. Questions that I would like to share here along with my responses, and hope I get some responses from you all as well.

During the conversation, he shared with me his concern for his wife, that over a period of time she may get frustrated and upset about having left her job and sitting at home alone the entire day doing nothing else but taking care of the baby. He told me that he has seen many of his freinds, friend's wives getting upset and frustrated over a period of time when they felt that their life seemed to mean nothing else but the baby. He asked me how I managed the 1.5 years that I stayed at home prior to re-joining work. Most of which, after Sid was born, being spent with my parents since Sid's dad (P) was not around. You find these questions weird and selfish. DONT!

I left my job at Chennai and moved here when P got a job here. It was here that we discovered I was pregnant and so I decided that joining work knowing I will discontinue within 6-7 months didnt make sense (I had already decided a 3 month maternity leave was not what I wanted to spend with the kid). These 9 months passed without much emotional hassles because pregnancy doesn't give one time to dwell over much else and during this period I think I read more than any other time during my adult life. (As a Kid the amount I read has been unbelievable and cannot be competed against by adult me!)

Then came Sid. His arrival and first 3 months also passed without too  much emotional baggage other than the post natal bouts of (extremely common and scientifically accepted) sadness and tears that engulfed me during the first 2-3 weeks. 

THEN, P left for his course and I had to move to a totally new and underdeveloped (read  village) place with my parents. The first couple of months passed fine but eventually the emptiness swept in. And this emptiness cannot be explained to anyone who hasnt experienced it. Becasue the average person will ask "what emptiness when you are running around like crazy after a baby 24X7???". (And mine was a 24X7 duty cos the kid wouldnt sleep). But this is the emptiness of not having any meaning any purpose to the life. Again avg person's qsn, "but you have the most meaningful thing in your life". YES. Very emphatic yes. But, the daily routine of taking care of a baby, same activities, similar mornings, similar evenings, one day rushing into the other, nothing new to look forward to, no entertainment for self, no personal goals, no feeling of achievement, no crazy fun, no hectic deadlines. NOTHING. Life was just the kid. I was nothing. I was just an extension of the kid who did things for him till he could do them himself. More than that I had no identity. Plus, no one ever prepares you for the depression, the pains, the complete lack of energy and enthusiasm, days when you hardly get time to take bath,  for unkempt self,for not wanting to look into a mirror, for rushed or half-left meals and sleepless nights. 

Once again, let me emphasize for anyone who is thinking "Oh! what a selfish mother" -  NO, I am not taking anything away from the joy of motherhood. Sid is the bestest ever thing to have happened in my life. I dont derive more pleasure and sense of fulfilment from anythin gelse I do. But to have that "something" else is really really important.

Of course, not wanting to scare my friend into escaping to outer space, I only told him that things may get slightly monotonous and tiring for her. So to try and help her as much as he could when he was around. And more importantly, to try and take her out for dinners, short trips, a drive, whatever is feasible with the baby. Breaks the routine, takes her mind out, gives her something to look forward to and a reason to look into a mirror, comb her hair, put on her makeup and find the old pretty girl in there somewhere. 

Things I didn't have.

Any guy reading this post, please note, your girl desperately needs small breaks though she will never ask and will never complain because, after all it is related to looking after her baby. And, believe me, to look into the mirror and find a fat, ugly, unkempt, tired, lifeless, unrecognizable image look back at you can be the biggest reason for depression.

The second thing that he asked me is slightly connected to the first. And it is, Managing it all alone now, the work, a home and most importantly a baby, ALL ALONE, wasn't it driving me crazy? 

The answer to that is Yes, but good crazy. The first few months I was really rejoicing in a sense of high in the realization that I COULD DO IT. That i didn't really need anyone. I was managing it all and managing it well. The stress is there, the pressures and sometimes the anger (especially at P) on extremely tough days, but overall I have no complaints. if given a choice I would definitely do this all over again. THis stage has been extremely therapeutic for my ego, for my self.

Most importantly, the feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and self doubt that existed in the previous stage could not have met with a better counselling and thrashing down than the absolute diametrically opposite that I got thrown into suddenly. With all its hardships and challenges, I am loving this stage. I am loving my strength, I am loving my ability, I am loving my capability, and most importantly, I am loving seeing my son grow up. Every smile, every laugh, every tantrum, every glitter in the eye, every new word, every tough night (well, not that, actually) and mostly every single day of delighted laugh on seeing his mom come back from work has made this worth it and more, much much more! 

Life has its ways. However puzzling, however unexpected, Life has its own surprising ways...

On His First Budday...After cake cutting etc.

 

Growing up is real fun. But watching ones kid grow up can sometimes be a little scary and stressful. Here are a few instances why...

We use a table fan for Sid as he doesn't take well to AC. The first thing I do on waking up is to switch off the table fan, unplug the same and push it to the far corner. Once moved thus, Sid would not turn and look at it - till about 3 weeks back.

Last week he discovered that he can still reach the table fan and promptly started playing with the buttons on it. Even though unplugged, the scene somehow sent shivers down my spine. (Kids and electric equipment! And a table fan at that!!!). However, since unplugged, I didn't make a huge fuss except to casually divert Sid's attention onto something else.
The actual Shock set in when, on not being able to switch on the fan, he promptly picked up the plug and tried pushing it into the socket!!! And whats more he even hit a few of the switches to see if that worked. The scene had me immobile with shock? fear? pride? and such before I managed to scamper out of bed and pull him away. Now have to find a serious solution before he actually manages to start the fan! With this rate of progress, won't be too long. I am still not sure if I was more impressed or more scared stiff.
The other things he has picked up the last few weeks include understanding that pens are usually pulled open and then scratched on papers. And in case of success, this is accompanied with squeals of delight. Dangerous again!
Among the good things, Sid knows we wear shoes before going out. So whenever in the mood for a walk, he brings over the respective persons shoe. The sweetest thing here is he will first bring me one shoe, then go back and bring the other one as well.
He also has learnt that bottles and utensils are to be closed after use. (I am really pleased with this and hope the streak continues).

Also pleased with the cleanliness streak that makes him come running to me with hands raised at the smallest hint of dirt, and cries "dirty dirty" till its washed. (just don't get too obsessed darling). Oh! That washing bit was till last week when this post had been started. now he just comes, holds my skirt/t-shirt/what-ever-mama-wears on one hand and wipes the other hand with it, very efficiently too. Complete with hand-eye-coordination and everything!!!
What really impressed me seeing these small developments is the things babies pick up by just observing us, completely unnoticed. This realisation has made me very conscious of all my actions in front of him.
Small traits and habits that I would be comfortable pursuing in front of Sid, thinking, "oh! he is not going to judge me for some more time", has now become even more dangerous!
To Sid: Baby, Chewing nails is bad habit and Mama does it only when highly distressed(And that is NOT an excuse also). So, please don't pick that up.
And talking to oneself will also not be looked at very nicely, ever!
Not writing about the other stuff that I am personally worried about. Just "Note to Self".
Signing Off With: CALVIN: "Where Do you Keep all the Chainsaws, Mom..."

Been a long time since I updated anything new about Sid's growth. And sadly when I did come back it was an impulsive and quick write up about a movie that moved the mother in me to the very core.

To try and turn things into a little more pleasanter note, I am trying to write another little update on my Hero and his mom. The reason that mama has not been able to write more is that here we are, Sid and me living with Chitrammai (CA) in Trivandrum.

 Mama has started working and has started leaving Sid at home with a maid and CA to take care of him.

There was nothing that has worried and scared mama more than the weeks preceding the shift and the thought of leaving Sid with CA and a stranger. Luckily, the whole joining process was so quick that mama didn't get enough time to worry herself sick. The way things normally tend to happen, all this has settled itself. Sid is fine with CA and the maid.

Other than the usual - maid issues, small hiccups of not living in your home but with a relative, practically being a single mom (even temporarily) AND not having either set of grandparents with us to help, ohh! and being a working single mom at that - everything else has been going on in a pattern the last 2 months.

The biggest change in Sid has been all emotional and communications. Wow! Does my son have a temper or what. I am hoping against hope that this is just a phase and not a reflection of things to come, the temper! We scream and cry and hit and bite and hit the floor/bed with both our hands and throw every possible tantrum till we get what we need. And whats worst, we cannot yet tell people what we need!

And whats more, if we are not really sad or angry, we know how to act as well!

As for telling, we are in a "count the syllable phase right now. So whatever you point and name to Sid in a particular intonation, Sid repeats the number of syllables and the intonations all in the same sound. So, "Ball' is "Ba", "Ba-lloon" is "Ba Ba". Clock is "Ka", Car is "Ka" and Ca-Len-Der is "Ka Ka Ka". And so on. All animals, even reptiles, aer "Bow Bow".

But, the good thing is when asked to point out something like the clock or ball or car or head etc. we can promptly point and direct the ignorant.

Further, we love the mobile phone. we take it to our ears and ask for "ammumma" in it always cos ammumma is the only person who talks to us on phone.

We love to feed and give water. So when mama gives me water to drink in our sipper we drink our fill and then push the bottle to mama's lips. and if she doesn't drink we "slurp slurp slurp" trying to teach poor ignorant mama how to drink from the sipper. we also push food into mama's mouth when she is trying to feed us.

And though we have a very bad temper, we have also become more expressive of our love. We love to hug and kiss a lot these days, though all that is limited to a very happy mama. And everything said the Joy we feel that reflects on our face when we see mom come back from office is UNMATCHED.

Also, we love to play on mama's office laptop.

I don't know why I wrote all that in first person "plural" from Sid!!!

Unnamed........

Haven't been this moved by a movie in a long long....long time. watched the Malayalam movie traffic, today. I know this post doesnt seem to fit in a stagnant baby blog. But maybe it was the pain of two mothers in the movie that I could relate the most with in the movie. Before I were a mother it may have been the sacrifice of the young man, even if in ignorance, or the strength of the decision of his friends and girlfriend that I may have associated with most. Or, it may have been another unnamed hero, the friend/navigator who would have been my main charater in the movie, after the protagonist driver/cop of course. But, the first time I watched a movie with tears in my eyes, a HUGE lump in my throat and a lot of pain in my heart. And, more importantly the first time in my life where I had to skip whole portions of a movie becasue I couldnt stand to watch the pain of watching parents, especially the mother who...............can't even complete the statement). There are times when I watch this happen in a movie or hear about it in everyday life and think that i can empathise with the mother and have my heart go out to her. But, who was  fooling. Not before today, and never before being a mother myself could I ever even start imagining the depths of that pain. Even as I write this post at the end of the movie I have unshed tears in my heart. Never Ever Before I have known there exists a pain so deep that it makes it even difficult to cry. Even that little relied in shedding tears is denied in that pain.

Heard somewhere - there are widows, widowers. There are orphans and what not. But one loss in this world is so unimaginably BIG that there is no word to define the survivor.